(The words below are my daughter's thoughts on how she feels today about baby Jazmyn's death.)
Well, I do know that I think of Jazmyn all the time…pretty much daily. My thoughts are always first of a slight sadness, then a comforting knowing that I will see her again in Heaven. I still struggle daily with negative, soul-crushing thoughts -- those evil “what-ifs” or “if onlys.” They could destroy me, if I let them.
My firstborn and only born was named JAZMYN. She was 8 lbs. and 1 oz. Tragically, she was stillborn on December 15, 2007. I find it ironic because my birthday is September 15. With the understanding of how God can work in my life and how he had given me comfort, I am reassured of His good purpose about my daughter ‘s death.
Unfortunately, I am not able to have another child because I've been diagnosed with a risk of heart failure. The next childbirth would kill me, the doctors said. But the Lord did bless me with the experience of bearing a child. I sometimes think that if I had succeeded in having an abortion, I would have had to deal with the horrible guilt of killing a being. And I was even going to “terminate” her on my birthday of 2007. But the heavenly Father said, “NOPE!” and I’m infinitely grateful that He didn’t let me.
From September to the night of her death, I have never known a love so pure and wonderful as that of being a pregnant woman. My life changed drastically from not caring about myself and not knowing my worth and doing drugs and smoking cigarettes a lot, to giving a hoot and taking care of someone other than myself and taking care of myself solely because it was the responsible thing to do for Jazmyn.
Nothing has been the same since. The pain has subsided quite a bit, but at times, like at the recent Memorial Day church service, I would feel that hollow pain resurface. And when I see a child running around and I imagine what my daughter might have looked like, I would feel a harsh twang of pain -- briefly, but I would still feel its sharpness. I know that without the steadying influence of my faith in Christ, and the understanding and love of the Lord, I would not be here today. He has provided me with comfort during my darkest hours…the loss of my only Jazmyn.